First of all,… I’m fine.

This is probably one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever written. I know that it’s going to be upsetting for some of you to read. I’m sorry. However, I think it’s important to talk about.

Three times. Three times today I caught myself asking the question, “how do I kill myself and make it look like an accident?”

Work was stressful like always. When you don’t have a family and Covid is keeping you from most of your friends, it becomes easy to incapsulate all your self worth into your work. How good a cog in the machine you can be. When that is how you evaluate your worth and you have a company that constantly tells you that you’re inadequate, that you’re not working hard enough, that you don’t care enough and this only gets better if you put in twice the effort and “own it,” you might be able to see how this becomes a problem. I’m already exhausted all the time. I’m already at my max and working on 10 things at once and when you’re constantly told that it isn’t good enough, that more is required, more more more more… it gets old.

So I walked out the back door at 2:30pm today saying to myself “fuck ’em all.”

Will I have a job tomorrow? I don’t know. At this point, I’d rather live under a bridge than continue working in a place that makes me want to die. At least, under the bridge, I’ll be alive.

You’re not “challenging” anyone by grilling them constantly about things they’re not doing. You’re pushing them off a cliff. You’re not “holding people accountable,” when you ask them to do more with less and they’re unable to achieve it. You’re blaming them for things that may be outside of their control.

The lack of humanity in these people is appalling and I can’t take it anymore. They sit behind desks and look at spreadsheets like it’s going to show them reality like it’s the fucking Matrix.

I’ve received terrible performance evaluations for the last two years because I didn’t achieve goals that couldn’t have been achieved by anyone. My boss included. And somehow the company had “record breaking” outputs in my area as well. How can we be crushing it and be shit at the same time?

Intellectually, I know that I’m not a lazy piece of shit and that despite being a wise ass, I am good at my job and work hard every day. When I take the time to think about it, “good at my job” is not all that am and it’s not all that I could be. However, when you’re in the moment and everything is going wrong with no one to help you, you just want it to stop.

All I want is to be treated like a human first and an employee second.

I don’t believe this is a difficult request.

Photo by: Anthony Auston

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