First of all,… I’m fine.

This is probably one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever written. I know that it’s going to be upsetting for some of you to read. I’m sorry. However, I think it’s important to talk about.

Three times. Three times today I caught myself asking the question, “how do I kill myself and make it look like an accident?”

Work was stressful like always. When you don’t have a family and Covid is keeping you from most of your friends, it becomes easy to incapsulate all your self worth into your work. How good a cog in the machine you can be. When that is how you evaluate your worth and you have a company that constantly tells you that you’re inadequate, that you’re not working hard enough, that you don’t care enough and this only gets better if you put in twice the effort and “own it,” you might be able to see how this becomes a problem. I’m already exhausted all the time. I’m already at my max and working on 10 things at once and when you’re constantly told that it isn’t good enough, that more is required, more more more more… it gets old.

So I walked out the back door at 2:30pm today saying to myself “fuck ’em all.”

Will I have a job tomorrow? I don’t know. At this point, I’d rather live under a bridge than continue working in a place that makes me want to die. At least, under the bridge, I’ll be alive.

You’re not “challenging” anyone by grilling them constantly about things they’re not doing. You’re pushing them off a cliff. You’re not “holding people accountable,” when you ask them to do more with less and they’re unable to achieve it. You’re blaming them for things that may be outside of their control.

The lack of humanity in these people is appalling and I can’t take it anymore. They sit behind desks and look at spreadsheets like it’s going to show them reality like it’s the fucking Matrix.

I’ve received terrible performance evaluations for the last two years because I didn’t achieve goals that couldn’t have been achieved by anyone. My boss included. And somehow the company had “record breaking” outputs in my area as well. How can we be crushing it and be shit at the same time?

Intellectually, I know that I’m not a lazy piece of shit and that despite being a wise ass, I am good at my job and work hard every day. When I take the time to think about it, “good at my job” is not all that am and it’s not all that I could be. However, when you’re in the moment and everything is going wrong with no one to help you, you just want it to stop.

All I want is to be treated like a human first and an employee second.

I don’t believe this is a difficult request.

Photo by: Anthony Auston


2 thoughts on “First of all,… I’m fine.

  1. First of all I am so sorry that you would ever feel that way and it isn’t okay…but I do understand. We are living through a very difficult, unprecedented time and some days it is hard to see that there is more than this moment. But there is.
    You are working toward change and please hear me…YOU WILL GET THERE.
    Your job is not your happy place, it is a means to get you to your happy place. It is giving you the money needed to fund the transition. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, another job is a challenge to find but not impossible. If your current job is this bad you should take another job, maybe it won’t be the dream job you’re looking for but it will be out of there, and that is something.
    In the meantime, this, this, THIS place is just a job. It does not define you. They do not know YOU. Do your job to the best of your ability, collect your paycheck and go out and live your real life. This pandemic is fucking hard but it will pass. IT WILL.
    I am here for you. ALWAYS. You ALWAYS have me. You also have a wonderful support system in your siblings, they are there to talk to and to make you laugh. Use your support systems, the rest of us do. Nobody is requiring you to be strong all the time, lean on us occasionally. Even if it’s just a phone call or funny werewolf/vampire texts, your family can help you get through the worst of times. I know because you all help me every day.
    I’m sorry it was such a tough day, tomorrow will be better. Keep moving forward!
    I love you! ❤️
    Mom

    Like

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